Happy 2nd Birthday Julian

My sweet little man,

The day before your birthday you walked around proclaiming “Ya ni bolshoy, ya eschto malenki, ochen malenki” – I’m not big, I’m still small, very small. I don’t know why you decided to say this, perhaps because we walk around telling you what a big boy you are and that you will be 2! It melted my heart and I have to tell you, it made me so happy. All I want right now is for you to stay my little boy, perhaps out of the terrible 2’s which you entered into way too early, but just be my little boy. I miss the days when I could cuddle you and you couldn’t tear away, but now the conscious act of giving me your love and affection makes it all the more special and prized.

This year you began to walk and run, speak and yell in 5 languages, learn how to show when you are angry and when you are happy, you learned how much love surrounds you every day and to feel safe in the arms of your family. You amaze me. You’re energy and intelligence is infinite. You’re potential to create and fill this world with your unique talents and energy grows with you each day.

I have failed in recording in writing your each achievement and new movement, it’s way too much to keep up with! Yet each look, each step, each word and gesture is permeated in my mind and my heart. What a difference your birthday celebration was this year in contrast to last. Your first birthday had 120 guests as your grandfather Yan decided to throw a wedding daddy and I never had. You entertained the crowd in your tuxedo and made us proud to introduce you to the extended family. This year we celebrated yours and great-grandma Firochkas birthdays in the backyard of our Mexican home. You wore a red outfit I bought for 3 dollars in a market in Oaxaca. We used technology to its best to share the moments with your daddy and grandparents back home in frigid snowy NYC where we escaped from. These months in Mexico you have opened to the joy that the sunshine and warm climate warms in the soul. Your favorite activities are to water all the plants which you do with such elegance. Dyeda and Babi take you on a daily walk on the Malecon where everyone knows you and where you stroll telling all the vendors-whether they are 5 years old selling Chiclets or 80 years old selling wood crafts, you my dear stick your hand out and declare with conviction: “No Gracias Senora!”. You do not even wait for them to approach us, if you see them first you will go and tell them! The best is when you are riding on Dyedas shoulders and look down and say NO GRACIAS SENOR! It has given us a break from saying the same every other minute. Thank you 
You have begun to sing. I will never forget the moment you first started to sing to me. We were at home, it was in the first week of December before I left to Mexico and I was putting you into the stroller for bed. I start to sing you a song in English and you say: “No Mama, sing Spe Maya Radast. Poy eto, sppeee maya radast usne, domi pagasli ogni, ptechki usnuliu v saduuu” (A Russian lullaby my grandfather used to sing to me). I was in complete awe. I had no idea you memorized the words and you sang it in perfect rhythm! I ran to get Papa for you to repeat.
You spend a lot of time with Dyeda and Babi and they worship the ground you walk on! You are currently quite strongly attached to Dyeda who you ask in secret to give you Snoopikin, tic tacs. I have no idea why you like them, perhaps because they are so tiny or because Dyeda gave them so a cute name. But you know to whisper this to him in front of me and it is your secret thing. They will do anything for you.

You have begun to say the funniest things; endless really is your entertainment factor. You also state what you want or will do. “Ya budo eta. Julian budet kushat marozhinaya. Julian budet plakat. Ya eta NI BUDU.” You find it hilarious to fall purposely on the sand, over and over. You love to play soccer. You adore balloons. You take your shoes off and put on my sandals walking around saying that you are a funny bunny. You laugh, and you laugh hard. You tell people they are funny. You speak to Dyeda in Dutch, sing in French, talk to family in Russian, talk with others in Spanish, and fill in everything else in English. You are a natural interpreter. If you do not know the words to a song, you make it up. You are a pretty great conversationalist, whether on Skype, telephone or in person. You have started to dance  You do not eat much and it is totally beside me how you still have your cheeks. There is no convincing you to try something. Right now your diet consists of milk, nutella sandwiches, ice cream, chicken soup if we are lucky and smoothies I make with a green mix! Haha, I get all those vegetable and fruits in you that way. I cannot believe that I, Miss My Child Must Eat Healthy have come to the point of celebrating when you will at least eat ice cream. But you are a big man, in the 95th percentile for height, and were in weight before Mexico. Watching you grow is amazing.

And now, a bit about my life as a mommy in your second year of life outside of me. Motherhood is a journey of doubt, insecurity and guilt. Of the feeling you are always not doing enough but doing too much. It is filled with moments of the deepest pride and happiness. You are the glowing light in my heart and my eyes. It is impossible to not smile when looking at you and it is a marathon of patience and living in the moment. The concept of “this too shall pass” is one that needs to be repeated over and over. When you are cranky and in pain from teething and there is nothing I can do, it’s one of the worst feelings a person can feel. The act of balancing my personal life, problems, dreams, endeavors and giving you everything I want to give you of me is a struggle, one that is making me stronger by the day. The concept of adulthood, childhood and all in between has blurred. I am soon to be 24 and you are 2, I often forget my numerical age.

I want you to grow with a strong sense of self grounded in the shelter of knowing you have all the love and support one person can have. I want to give you the freedom to explore your world and what you can contribute to it. I wish for you to follow your own interests, to live your talents, to breathe with confidence and to dance in joy. I want you to see strong relationships around you, for you to know that you must first be able to connect to yourself in order to fully connect to others. I want you to see that a family can take on many different forms and colors. A family is the unit, group of people you know you can count on, who will always be on your side and to whom you can show all your colors to without judgment. Today my son, I promise you that I will be your guide and your friend, always by your side. I will not judge you or stifle you. I will give you the freedom to explore your world so you can share with me the insights you have gained in the process. I promise to you, Julian, that I will not always be right, and I will be open to hear you when you say- hey mom, you are wrong and this is what I need from you. I promise to support you and to give you the extra push when you need it and give you space to flourish. And most of all, I promise to you that my love, my care and energy is infinitely and unconditionally yours.

Happy 2nd Birthday my special, little boy.

Yours Forever,
Mama.